Susie and Jeffrey 1 - 2

"Hey, Jeffrey, what's this mp3 Shambleau? It's the only thing that sounds mysterious."

"Classic science fiction - a cautionary tale, which, Susie, I've duly noted. Great to listen to in bed with the lights out."

"What else do you like to do in bed with the lights out, Jeffrey?"

"Well, best of all, I like to drift off to the Shipping Forecast - read by one of the female announcers."

Susie and Jeffrey 1 - 2 by Jamie Hayworth

 

 

Susie and Jeffrey 1 - 2

 

 

Chapter 1

"Hi, Jeffrey, I'm Susie Jones your new girlfriend."

Startled, I swung around, and, instead of my bike chain, her bare midriff received a long spray of WD-40. I wasn't too upset - I hadn't wasted the genuine article, but the pound shop version: good enough for a cheap bike - and a cheeky girl.

"Ooh, that tickles!" she laughed, as she flipped the liquid out of her navel, which I couldn't help noticing was a cute little innie. I've got one just like it - that's probably the only thing we'll have in common.

Spending the mid-September evening in the garden had mellowed my mood, which softened further, when looking up I saw a smiling face glowing with good humour. Instead of a characteristic sullen response - telling her, she was no friend of mine - I managed an almost friendly, "Where did you come from?"

"Over the fence: we've just moved in. Back-to-back gardens - isn't that going to be handy?" she beamed, and bit into a James Grieve that she'd helped herself to on her way down the path. "Dee-luscious," she grinned, and licked the juice from the side of her mouth. "Quite a little Garden of Eden you've got here: is it all your own work?"

"No, I guess I inherited it. It more or less looks after itself."

As I watched her eating the apple, I realised she wasn't only a new neighbour but also a new schoolmate. If she was serious about this girlfriend business, there'd be no escape - we could end up like Siamese twins.

"You're the Susie Jones in our sixth form, aren't you?"

"Right, and you're Jeffrey Smith; you know what that makes us, Jeffrey?"

"Yeah, Susie, a cliche, but not boyfriend and girlfriend."

"Give it a chance," she smiled, and then rattled me by adding, "you don't know what you've been missing, hiding yourself away. Gee, but you took some flushing out; I've heard of a low profile but you were practically invisible - like the wise virgin who hides her light under a bushel," she laughed, and came a little closer. "Are you all right, Jeffrey? You look a little pale."

Flustered would have been nearer the mark. Did I want a girlfriend? If I did, this was the only way I was likely to get one. What I needed was some thinking time. Meanwhile some harmless boy-girl chitchat seemed appropriate. Come on, it can't be that difficult. The familiar odour of WD-40 wafted upwards and gave me inspiration. "Gee, Susie, you smell nice, just like my bike."

I took advantage of her choking fit to wheel my bike into the shed and get a dollop of Swarfega. By the time Susie recovered, I had the padlock in place.

"Aw, come on, let me have a look inside," she pleaded.

"There's nothing that would interest you."

"Jeffrey, you're such a little tease. What's in there? I want to see," she pouted.

"No, a boy's shed is no place for a single girl: you'll have to wait until after we're married."

"Jeffrey!"

"Susie!"

Susie sighed and tossed the apple core onto the compost heap. "Okay, forget it for now. What's that you're rubbing into your hands?"

"Swarfega, top stuff, you should get some - it removes all sorts of gunk," I replied, scrutinising her face.

"Make-up isn't gunk, Jeffrey. You'll come to appreciate it, believe me."

I was enjoying sparring with her, but I wanted to know what was really going on. "Susie, all kidding aside, there's only one reason I can think of for you wanting me as a boyfriend."

"And what's that, Jeffrey?"

"My mother's paying you."

"Do you know what you're saying, Jeffrey?" Susie spluttered.

"Ah well, maybe you're doing it as a favour," I wavered.

"That's a pretty big favour for a stranger - why would I do that?"

"I don't know, perhaps my mother knows your mother and ... No! I didn't start this - you should be explaining to me."

"First, you tell me why your mother's so desperate for you to have a girlfriend," Susie countered.

She'd touched a sore spot and the Jeffrey of this last summer surfaced, "That's none of your business! Get back over the fence and let's forget the whole thing."

To my surprise Susie muttered, "If that's want you want, Jeffrey," and slouched off. It seemed so out of character, but it was quite affecting watching her walk away into the setting sun. When she hesitated and started shuffling atop the fence, I gave in and called out, "Did you do much acting at your last school, Susie?"

"Don't be such a smart-ass, Jeffrey; come and help me down, I've snagged my bloody pants."

I jogged over and pulled her trouser leg free. She repaid me with a smile, "Thanks, Jeffrey, now which side of the fence is it to be?"

I'm wanting something: maybe it's Susie. I hope so - otherwise this could be a big mistake. "My side, Susie, my side - Mum would really like me to have a girlfriend."

"Don't start that again, Jeffrey!"

"Look, I suppose I should explain. I don't know why, but these last few months I've been behaving a little oddly. It's not surprising my mother's having some funny ideas."

"What exactly have you done to upset your mother?" demanded Susie.

"Oh, nothing so awful, I've just been a little reclusive."

"Come on, the whole truth."

"Well, I've spent almost the entire summer playing Robinson Crusoe in my bedroom, and when I have come out I've hardly said a word," I confessed - "sometimes I think I'm producing leavemealone instead of testosterone."

"I'm just the Girl Friday you need," enthused Susie, "I'm taking Psychology, Sociology and ..."

"... and Astrology," I laughed, "to go with Kidology and Codology."

"No, Biology," she snorted, "and they are all serious subjects: wait and see how I ferret out the secrets of your character. I'll bring forth a whole new you."

"I'm afraid you're in for a big disappointment."

"Then, it'll just be a bit of harmless fun," she smiled, before adding, "What other funny ideas has your mother had?"

"Well, when she's not suggesting I get a girlfriend, she's urging me to join the scouts or sea cadets - you know, mix with other boys," I shuddered, "as if there aren't enough of them at school."

"You don't want to be one of the lads then."

"Susie, I don't even want to try to be one of the lads." I paused before adding, "Just between you and me, that's not my biggest worry, because it's not really in her power - what is in her power though, is to get married again. Not because she wants a husband, but because she wants me to have a father's influence- whatever good that would do."

"So, Jeffrey, I'll be saving you and your mother from a fate worse than death."

"That pretty much sums it up," I smiled, "Come on and meet the parent."

On our way to the house I said, "Susie, I'm still puzzled why you want me for a boyfriend: you could have had your pick of the sixth form."

"But I've got my pick of the sixth form," she cooed, as I opened the back door.

Mum was on the sofa cleaning the silver. It's Dad's cups and medals from his amateur football days. I saw the tear in her eye when she looked up. Susie noticed too and put her arm around my waist. In the uneasy silence that followed, it came home to me what a self-centred little wretch I'd been this last summer. Okay then, better suffer ill than do ill. "Hey Mum, you won't believe this - I've got myself a girlfriend," and I pushed Susie forward.

"Hello, Mrs Smith, I'm Susie Jones, the lucky girl."

I had my first reward; the big smile on my mother's face as she shook Susie's hand. "You don't know how pleased I am to meet you Susie. I hope you know what you are taking on, I think Jeffrey may be somewhat lacking in social skills."

"Don't worry, Mrs Smith, Jeffrey is exactly the kind of boy I've been looking for - I'm looking forward to reforming him."

I would have liked to hear all their conversation, but it was too embarrassing - I'm not an object to be talked about in the third person. I escaped into the kitchen. Do mothers and girlfriends always get on that well? As I washed my hands, it occurred to me that from now on it might be two against one.

I think I was right to be wary, because somehow we wound up in my bedroom with the door closed. Call me old-fashioned, but I was envisioning more of a Jane Austen style courtship.

"Isn't this great, Jeffrey?"

"What, Susie?"

"Me getting into your room at the first attempt - what luck! You were right, your mother really must be desperate."

"Yeah, it's hard to imagine how things could have worked out better. Don't be shy of making yourself at home."

"Thanks, Jeffrey, I won't," she replied, firing up my computer.

"Do you know what irony is, Susie?" I asked.

"Sure as shooting I do. Why, got a shirt that needs pressing?" smirked Susie.

I grimaced. Let her poke around all she pleased, she'd find nothing. As for what her motives were ... well, while she was analysing me, I'd be analysing her - and may the best man win.

"Hey, Jeffrey, what's this mp3 Shambleau? It's the only thing that sounds mysterious."

"Classic science fiction - a cautionary tale, which, Susie, I've duly noted. Great to listen to in bed with the lights out."

"What else do you like to do in bed with the lights out, Jeffrey?"

"Well, best of all, I like to drift off to the Shipping Forecast - read by one of the female announcers."

Susie rolled her eyes before double-clicking on the file. After a couple of minutes she said, " She's got one sexy voice - do I sound like that?"

"No, you're not American."

"Right! I want to take it home: she can give me some elocution lessons."

"There's a spare flash drive in the drawer, you can use that."

After a good root through the contents of the drawer, she found the drive and Shambleau was soon in her possession - as no doubt, were some other files. With a satisfied smile, she turned around and surveyed the rest of the room.

"This is a pretty Spartan looking set-up, Jeffrey."

"Spartan - Susie, believe me, one thing I'm not cut out to be is a Spartan."

"Okay then, how about austere?"

"How can a room full of books be austere?"

"No posters, no photos, no ornaments, and - no cuddly toys. I'll have to bring some of my things over - brighten it up a bit. How about that, Jeffrey?"

"Is that really necessary?"

"Course it is, I'll be spending lots of time up here. I want it to be a home from home."

"Don't you think you're rushing things a little Susie? After all, we may not be compatible."

"Let me worry about that, Jeffrey, all you have to do is ..."

"... lie back and think of England," I smiled, and flopped back on the bed.

"Now you're rushing things, Jeffrey," she grinned. "Back to business: I want to ask you a favour."

"Ask away."

"Tomorrow I have to deliver some magazines for my dad. He's an estate agent and he's putting out an advertising freebie. You know the thing, news pinched from the local paper, Internet jokes and reader's letters. Actually, for this first issue, I wrote the reader's letters," she confided, "I'm really proud of the one about dog poo - and I had to edit the jokes," she continued, "Some of them are only fit for the local rugby club. Dad still plays rugby. He's a second row forward. Mum's afraid he'll have a heart attack."

"Susie, what's the favour," I interrupted.

"Would you come with me? I don't know the area and I don't want to be walking the streets alone."

"Oh it's pretty safe around here ..."

"Oh come on, Jeffrey, you know you'd never forgive yourself if anything happened to me,"

"I think I would, Susie, after all, I've only known you for half an hour. But, I suppose being a boyfriend has its obligations."

"Hey, it won't be plain sailing for me either: my dad would like me to have a big, beefy, rugby playing boyfriend in his own image - you're going to be a major disappointment," she chided.

"The whole first fifteen fancy you like mad, wouldn't you like to date one of them?"

"Would I sugar! I don't have an Oedipus complex," she huffed.

"You know best," I demurred. "What time do you want to start?"

"Be at your front gate with your bike at six in the morning."

"Six in the morning - it'll still be dark."

"Yeah, that's why I want you with me."

"Let's go at a more reasonable time."

"No, I want to get it out of the way, then we'll have the rest of the day to ourselves."

"But it's Sunday, I have a lie in, breakfast in bed, read the papers ..."

"Jeffrey! You're spoiled rotten. Come on, if two hours with me exhausts you, you can go back to bed."

"All right, all right, but my mother's going to think I've had a brainstorm."

"That's agreed then. One more thing: we're sort of company representatives, so we want to look smart," she explained, advancing towards my wardrobe. "Let's see what you've got in here."

"Okay, but don't scream when you find the severed head."

"Very funny, Jeffrey - if you don't want me to look, you only have to say."

"No, go ahead, you can probably give me some useful fashion tips."

"Don't worry, from now on we'll be shopping together," she threatened, as she emerged with an armful of clothes.

"Hey, Susie, this is all brand new stuff - I'm saving it for ..."

"For what, Jeffrey?"

"Well, for when I wear out the old stuff," I complained.

"Don't be contrary," she replied, making for the door, "I'll see you in the morning."

At least I had a good parting shot: "Sooosie, the light switch is on the left as you go in."

"Go in where?"

"My shed, dummy; I know you swiped the key out of the drawer."

Susie started to colour up.

"Would you believe it? I've made you blush before you made me blush: what were the odds against that?"

"Pretty long," she sighed.

"Aw, don't look so disappointed. Anyway you can do me a favour; take my mother with you, it'll put her mind at rest - tell her you're borrowing a can of oil."

I resigned myself to the fact of having a shed with chintz curtains. But as I lay there, and thought about Susie, I didn't really care.

Perhaps I have had a brainstorm.

 

Chapter 2

"Morning, Jeffrey, I've had a full breakfast, and I'm ready for a fight with anyone," announced Susie, and gave me a punch on the arm.

"Hang on, Susie, I've had no breakfast and I've not woken up yet. I can barely keep my eyes open."

"Cheer up sleepy, Jeff, and take a few deep breaths," she warbled. "Then tell me why you've got four bikes in your shed."

"Don't call me Jeff, please; I'm definitely not a Jeff."

"Sorry, Jeffreee, it was just poetic licence. Now about the bikes."

"I don't know; I must have an acquisitive nature - it's not only bikes. What did you think when you looked inside? "

"Squirrel and nuts."

"You can scoff, but you can be certain of one thing - I won't be collecting anymore girlfriends. You're going to be my one and only."

We set off. I ended up pushing my bike and Susie's bike plus trailer, while she delivered the magazines. That was fine with me: less chance of some ferocious little terrier snapping at my ankles. As the sleepiness wore off, I found I was enjoying chatting with Susie and watching her go up and down the paths. It must have showed, because she said, "What are you smiling at, Jeffrey?"

"I'm simply happy to be with you, Susie, perhaps I'm not so odd after all."

"You're not odd, Jeffrey, just different."

"Not that different: look at us, Susie, we're dressed exactly the same."

"Yeah, we are, aren't we? It's okay though, I don't mind if you want to dress like me - it's rather sweet."

"Wait a minute, you picked out these clothes for me," I objected.

"So I did. Well, I suppose sports top, jogging trousers and trainers are chilly, early morning, paper-delivering clothes."

"Some people might think it peculiar."

"Only if you're wearing a bra and panties," she laughed. "Anyway, if you're really worried about looking like me, you should do something about your hair."

"It's cut every month," I protested.

"Change your barber, Jeffrey, he's using rubber scissors."

"That would be awkward. We have an odd relationship," I hesitated.

"Go on, I promise not to be shocked," Susie teased.

"He's coming up to ninety years old and he says he's never going to retire. He wants to die with his scissors in his hand and his comb in someone's hair. I don't want to disappoint him: I'm his only customer with a full head of hair. In fact, I'm practically his only customer - he's outlived the rest. Anyway, I like going there, it's peaceful - and he doesn't talk about football."

"That doesn't explain why your hair's so long."

"Well, his first words are always, 'Just a trim Jeffrey'. I always agree, and this is the result - it's sort of crept down on me," I grinned.

"And you like it long, don't you?"

"Uh, I guess so. It's ... it's, oh I don't know ..."

"Sensual," offered Susie, swirling her hair around with a shake of her head.

I was thankful for an opportunity to change the subject. "Susie, we're coming to the House of Cats, okay if I just hang back."

"What's the matter got an allergy?"

Before I could answer, Susie had her first sight of the House of Cats: "Crikey, Jeffrey! Who lives there? Norman Bates!"

The old house stood on its own little hill. It was the only one in town with wooden shutters on its windows - and the only one with umpteen cats prowling the grounds.

"I wish he did - at least I'd be safe."

"I wouldn't be too sure, Jeffrey," Susie winked, before adding, "Come on, who lives there?"

"Just an eccentric old woman, Miss Hackett. A lot of people believe she's a witch and steer clear of her."

"But you don't believe that."

"Of course not. I wouldn't run away with the other kids, and somehow I ended up going messages and doing little jobs for her."

"That doesn't explain why you want to avoid her."

"Well, she started asking me in for cups of tea and I was embarrassed to keep making excuses."

"Scared she was going to turn you into a cat?" Susie laughed.

"No! But with dozens of cats having free run of the place, what do you suppose the house is like inside? There'll be cat pee and cat poo everywhere - including the refreshments."

"This is too good to miss - come on, don't be such a wuss, I want to meet a real live witch."

"I told you, she's not a witch: she's a Cataholic, like the Pope."

"Oh, Jeffrey, after that I'm going to show you no mercy, you deserve everything that's coming to you."

Susie seized my arm and dragged me up the path through the ranks of assorted cats. Halfway along, the front door opened and there was no dignified way out.

Miss Hackett greeted us with a big smile. "Jeffrey, how nice to see you. It's been so long - and you've brought a friend with you. What a lovely young couple you make - my very own Hansel and Gretel," she chuckled.

Susie beamed all over her face.

I was sitting on the sofa. Susie had monopolised Miss Hackett and was now in the kitchen with her, which was some insurance against drinking cat pee. I had a cute little kitten purring in my lap. We were getting along just fine. I guess I must be a cat person. As far as I could see and smell the house was spotless: Miss Hackett must be the world's number one cat trainer - or maybe she has been changing people into cats, I mused.

Susie reappeared first. "Hey, Jeffrey, it's a regular pharmacopoeia back there," she grinned. "We made up a very special cup of tea, when we've finished we're having our tea leaves read."

Before I could squash that idea, Miss Hackett appeared with a plate of cakes.

"Help yourself, Jeffrey, Susie told me you missed breakfast in bed to help her out. He's such a sweet boy isn't he, Susie?"

"Sweet as a peach, Miss Hackett, sweet as a peach."

I reckoned having a mouthful of cake was the smartest way to deal with the teasing. So, let me eat cake for breakfast.

"That's right, Jeffrey, tuck in," encouraged Miss Hackett, "you've lost weight over the summer."

"I've burned off some puppy fat on my bike, that's all," I grunted, and stuffed in another cake hoping that would satisfy her. I was relieved when she and Susie started discussing the finer points of fortune telling. I took my opportunity, swirled the remains of my tea in the cup and swallowed the lot - tea leaves and all - she was going to need X-ray vision to read my future.

"Pass over your cup, Jeffrey," Susie smiled. Her face fell when she saw it was empty. "Jeffrey! How could you? Look what he's done, Miss Hackett."

"Never mind, Susie, let me read your cup - Jeffrey is sure to be in there."

I took my chance and eased the little kitten onto the floor - now was the time to make my escape. "I'll let you two get on with it, I'd better get back to the bikes, they aren't locked and you can't be too careful. Thanks for everything, Miss Hackett." I was on my way before they could reply.

Ten minutes later Susie joined me back at the bikes. "That was rude of you, Jeffrey, disappearing like that."

"Sorry, Susie, I thought you might like a bit of privacy."

"No you didn't, you just wanted to get out. Anyhow do you want to know your future, Jeffrey?"

I smiled and sang, "Susie and Jeffrey are gonna get married."

"How did you know that?" she demanded.

"Gee, Susie, what else would she tell you - she could see you're totally besotted with me. By the way, do we get married before or after you win the lottery?"

"You can laugh, but there are more things in heaven and earth, Jeffrey - I can learn a lot from Miss Hackett."

"One thing she does know something about," I conceded, "is how to control cats; it's amazing how they were all so well behaved."

"Not so amazing, Jeffrey, you were the only one in there with any balls."

"What about you, Susie? I'm pretty sure you're not lacking in that department - metaphorically speaking," I quickly added.

"I'll take that as a compliment, Jeffrey, from someone who was so happy with a little pussy in his lap. Would you like one of your own?"

"I don't know about that, Susie: I was quite fond it, but it's a big responsibility. A kitten's not only for Christmas, you know."

"Never mind Christmas, what do you do for Halloween, Jeffrey?"

"Nothing, that sort of thing doesn't interest me: I'll be having a quiet night in."

"Things are different now, Jeffrey - you've got a girlfriend, and the school's having a dance."

"Susie, in six weeks' time you'll have forgotten all about me. I'll have bored you to tears long before that."

"You're not putting me off, we're going to make a perfect Hansel and Gretel."

"There's no way I'm prancing around in a pair of tight leather shorts, or any sort of shorts for that matter," I spluttered.

"No problem, Jeffrey, I'll be the one in the shorts, you'll be wearing the dress."

This didn't come as a total surprise to me. I may be naive, but I'm not a fairy who's just fallen off the Christmas tree. "Susie, I think I should explain something. Appearances can be deceptive. In here, "I said, tapping my head "is a hundred percent boy brain."

"A hundred percent?"

"Yes, one hundred percent."

"How do you work that out, Jeffrey?"

"Because it's by far the best maths brain in the school," I said somewhat immodestly, "and maths is real boy stuff. What have you got to say about that?"

"I don't like sums, Jeffrey."

"Precisely. You're an ologist - but I won't hold that against you, as long as you realise that I have the archetypal male mathematical brain. Do you understand?"

"Perfectly, Jeffrey," she smirked, "You may have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but you've the brain of Einstein."

I didn't like the 'weak and feeble', but I let it go. Why argue? A couple of weeks from now it'll be someone else's problem.

We reached the end of our round, 'Millionaires' Row', up by the golf course. "Best behaviour, Jeffrey. If dad gets a few clients from around here, I'll get an increased dress allowance."

"You should do what I do, Susie - let your mother buy all your clothes."

"Oh, Jeffrey, you're going to be like putty in my hands."

I was still pondering that last remark when we arrived at the last house on the route. The former farm stood at the end of a rutted lane. I secured the bikes, removed my pump, and we set off down the path.

"Don't you think you're overdoing the precautions, Jeffrey? Nobody's going to steal your pump."

"You never know who's lurking in the shrubbery. This is top of the range - why risk it?"

"All right, but when we're in town shopping, I don't want you walking around with a bicycle pump in your hand."

I'd no idea what she was talking about - anyway, I usually stuck it down my trouser leg, so she wouldn't have to worry.

We arrived at a chained five-barred gate, "Stick it in that gap and let's be on our way."

"No, we can hop over, come on," Susie urged.

"Hold on, there's a dog patrolling the grounds."

"Hey, do you know what kind of dog that is, Jeffrey?"

"Yeah, Susie, it's a big dog."

"Don't worry, Jeffrey, I'm fully prepared for this situation."

"You've brought along a tranquilliser gun, have you?"

"No, Jeffrey. You're not the only one with a generous helping of the old grey matter. I've done my research: I know almost as much about dog psychology as human psychology."

"And where did you get all this doggy data?"

"Where else, Jeffrey, the Internet: it's my number one source of knowledge."

"Oooh." The look of dismay on my face only spurred Susie on.

"You must never be frightened of a dog, Jeffrey. A dog will only bite if it senses fear: then it thinks - first bite is best bite - here goes. If you stand still and talk softly but firmly, there's no danger. Only those who hit out or run away get bitten. Come on, once we get in there, we'll soon be the best of friends."

"Aaah." I still wasn't convinced - and it showed.

"Have faith, Jeffrey, all the best dog trainers are women. It's the female hormones; once that dog gets my scent, I'll have him jumping through hoops."

"I've never heard of that. Besides it won't do me any good, I smell of cat."

"You'll be all right, I've got enough for both of us. Now come on! Don't be such a wimp."

"Forget it, Susie, better a live dog than a dead lion."

"Watch me, Jeffrey, this is real boy stuff." And with that she clambered over the gate and dropped down on the other side.

Susie strolled to the centre of the yard where she met up with a somewhat bemused dog. "See, Jeffrey, I've already got him mesmerised," she called over her shoulder. "Now listen and learn."

Susie halted and began to speak in a low soothing voice. The hound slowly circled, before nonchalantly stepping forward and seizing her trousers at the top of the thigh. A loud ripping sound followed and the dog loped away before turning to admire its handiwork.

Susie stood mute, frozen to the spot. I had the good manners not to say 'I told you so', and helpfully offered; "Back up slowly to the gate, Susie."

The dog moved first: with a menacing growl, it advanced for a second attack.

"Come on, Susie, run for it!"

"Ooooohhhhhh!"

Adrenaline's a wonderful thing: despite the flapping trouser leg, Susie made it to the gate first and without checking her stride, vaulted over and fell in a heap at my feet. She's quite an athlete, I thought admiringly, just before a snarling Hound of the Baskervilles scrambled onto the top of the gate and launched itself at me.

"Aaaaaaahhhhh!"

I threw out my arms to no avail, after an initial jolt, a terrific bang on my chest knocked me flat. As I lay there winded, a warm, wet sensation spread up my chest. I raised my head and saw twin streams of blood pumping out of the dog's nose. My rising panic subsided - it wasn't my blood. I was even happier when the dog gave a convulsive jerk and the fountains ceased.

I propped myself up and looked across at Susie. "Live lion, dead dog," she gasped. "What happened? Are you okay, Jeffrey?"

"Fine thanks, Susie. What a stroke of luck It's burst a blood vessel. That's the danger of a red meat diet and a violent temper."

"I don't think so, Jeffrey, look in its mouth - the pump has proved as mighty as the sword."

She was right: the pump had disappeared down the dog's throat. I gave a shudder. "Did I do that, Susie?"

"You must have, Jeffrey. I think you may have overreacted. Couldn't you just have bopped it on the nose?"

"He wasn't playing to Marquis of Queensbury rules, Susie," I griped, as I pushed the dog off. "Oh, look at this." I read out the name engraved on its expensive collar - "Champion Prince Kazarak Hinari. What are we going to do, Susie? I've cruelly dispatched pedigreed canine royalty - and, no doubt, a beloved family pet."

"There'll be some awkward questions coming our way, Jeffrey. We need a better story than the truth; if only we can think of one." Susie paused and frowned. "It'd be easier if some of that blood was yours. You're a right bloody mess."

"We're in a right bloody mess, Susie. I hope you're fully prepared for this situation."

We sat in a glum silence. Then Susie's face brightened. "Well, Jeffrey, at least we've learned one important lesson from all this."

"And what would that be, Susie?" I sighed.

"Don't believe everything you read on the Internet."

 

Susie and Jeffrey 3

I didn't go in, Susie came out. I was flat on my back again, but this time I had Susie on top of me. "Hansel and Gretel?" I gasped, "Laurel and Hardy, more like."

Susie and Jeffrey 3 by Jamie Hayworth

 

 

Susie and Jeffrey 3

 

 

Chapter 3

"I was misinformed - dangerously misinformed: to think I gave that advice a five star rating," Susie grumbled, removing her waist cord and tying up her torn trouser leg. "What's up, Jeffrey? You're very quiet, are you in shock?"

"No, Susie, I'm thinking about damage limitation. Do dogs commit suicide?"

"Hardly ever, Jeffrey, and never by impaling themselves on bicycle pumps. We have to be realistic. Look at the facts: I was trespassing and you killed a valuable dog. If we aren't prosecuted, we'll probably be sued for damages. Even worse, my dad isn't going to like this kind of publicity. They'll blackball him at the golf club."

"We could say it was all my fault, Susie," I offered.

"We're in this together, Jeffrey: the only way out for us is a cover-up. We need to put that dog to bed with a shovel. It's lucky they're having a Sunday morning lie in, because you're going to have to break into those outbuildings to get one."

"That's just asking for trouble, Susie - a cover-up will only make things worse."

"Only if we get caught - and we're not going to get caught. Trust me, Jeffrey, I know exactly what to do." Susie put her hand on my shoulder and breathed "We'll be partners in the perfect crime - bound together throughout eternity by a blood sacrifice."

"Steady on, Susie, you're entering the realms of fantasy. Let's confess - and I'll buy you a ring."

"Confess and be hanged - no way, Jeffrey. Get burgling."

"Half an hour ago you wanted Barbie, now you want Action Man. You're getting neither."

"All right, I'll do it myself."

Susie was on her way. I didn't need psychic powers to see disaster looming. "No, we don't need a shovel," I called after her. "Go get the magazine and stick it in the gate. We came, we saw nothing and we left. If we're going to cover this up, we've got to do it properly."

She stopped and turned. "But ..."

"No 'buts', Susie, get a move on."

I took off my bloodied top and t-shirt, and used the backs of them to clean up. The stain at the top of my dark trousers wasn't too noticeable. I was quite respectable by the time she returned. "You can't go around like that, Jeffrey, but I'm blowed if I know what you should do."

"Give me your top, Susie," I sighed.

"How does it feel, Jeffrey?" she grinned as I pulled it on.

"Exactly the same as mine - but it does smell nice." I took a deep breath. "What's the perfume, Susie?"

"That's not perfume Jeffrey, that's the scent of girl you're inhaling." Then she laughed, "One small step for Jeffrey, one giant leap for Denise."

"Who's Denise, Susie?"

"That's my middle name, I'm Susan Denise Jones."

"I know who Denise is: she's a figment of your fevered imagination and she's staying that way."

"Morning dreams come true, Jeffrey."

I pushed my clothes onto the dog and secured them with the waist cord. We were ready to go. I lifted the dog by the front legs and looked at Susie. "Come on, don't be squeamish, grab the back legs and let's be on our way."

"I'm no faint-heart, Jeffrey, you can rely on me. Wither thou goest, I goest."

"That's music to my ears, Susie - I lead, you follow."

"Don't get too smug, Jeffrey, come Halloween, I'll be in command and you'll be going backwards in high heels."

"I don't think so, Susie: I'd never wear high heels in a rowing boat. Now, let's concentrate on the job in hand."

We struggled back to the bikes and dumped the dog by the trailer. "Whew, Jeffrey, this dog's a dead weight," Susie panted and collapsed laughing.

Displaying icy self-control, I transferred the remaining magazines to my bike carrier. "Right, Susie, laughter break over - into the trailer with it."

Susie took a deep breath and we heaved the dog into the trailer. I pushed its legs down and pulled the cover over. "So far so good, Jeffrey, but I still think we need a shovel."

"Don't worry, our great Grimpen Mire will do the work for us," I smirked.

"The what?"

"Sherlock Holmes, I've read the entire works - not really girl's literature. I hope you also noticed how I behaved when you had a fit of hysteria."

"Sorry colonel-sir-sergeant-corporal," Susie rapped out, with a click of her heels and exaggerated salute. "Strict boy mode for both of us until we get rid of this bloody dog."

We hadn't far to go; after half a mile, we reached the access ramp at the back of the sea wall. "How will we manage a burial at sea, Jeffrey? Are we going to steal a boat?"

"The tide's out, Susie and I know where the patches of quicksand are. They're treacherous; they swallow motorbikes on a regular basis, so a dog will be no problem."

"Are you sure about this? It sounds like we may end up three in a bed."

"I'm sandgrown, Susie: I can smell quicksand. Now come on, let's get the trailer unhitched."

We hauled the trailer up the slope. "Remember, Susie, if anybody asks, we're off to collect our nightlines."

"Hey, Jeffrey, it's spooky how you've got an answer for everything, you haven't done this kind of thing before have you?"

"Of course not, Susie, I told you what kind of brain I have - and I help it by eating a lot of fish."

"I've underestimated you, Jeffrey, but I don't mind, we're going to have even more fun than I thought."

"I'm going to buy you a dictionary, Susie, and the first thing we'll look up is the definition of 'fun'."

She gave me a big smile as we emerged on the lower walkway. There was a dog walker coming our way, but we were down the ramp and out over the shingle onto the hard sand before he passed.

"Time to run, Susie, we're heading for the end of that outflow pipe." We splashed our way through a couple of gullies before we arrived at our goal. "It's all clear, Susie, let's get our friend out."

"I hope rigor mortis hasn't set in. Just our luck to have it stuck in the trailer."

"No sweat, Susie, it's three hours before that happens."

"I'll say it again, Jeffrey: you know a sight too much about the disposal of dead bodies."

"All knowledge innocently acquired I assure you, Susie."

We had the dog out on the sand. "First I want my pump back - pull his jaws apart, Susie."

"You wouldn't get many girlfriends doing this for their boyfriend on a first date," Susie grimaced, as she grasped the bloody jaws.

I gave a sharp tug and out it came with a slurp. "Ugh, what's that on my hands?" Susie moaned at a dark glutinous mass.

"You'll be okay: there's worse things in MacDonald's. Wipe them on its coat - it won't bite."

"My turn will come, Jeffrey."

"I know, but you'll have to work for it. Ready, then lift. We'll walk towards the pipe until we start to sink and then heave it in."

"I just hope you remember how I followed you unquestioningly, Jeffrey."

"This is it. Swing it, Susie. On three let go and jump back. One ... two ... three ... away."

The dog landed with a splat and began to sink. "It's working, Jeffrey, we're going to get away with it."

"Do you want to say a few words, Susie?" I asked as the dog vanished with a satisfying gurgle.

"Bloody good riddance," she cried and jumped in the air. That was a big mistake - she landed and went in up to her knees. "Oh Jeffrey, get me out of here."

I whipped off my top. "Grab the sleeve, Susie. When I pull, you jump. Whatever you do, don't let go."

"Don't worry, Jeffrey, if I don't come out, you're coming in."

I didn't go in, Susie came out. I was flat on my back again, but this time I had Susie on top of me. "Hansel and Gretel?" I gasped, "Laurel and Hardy, more like."

"Thanks, Jeffrey, sorry about the thigh in the groin. Have I done any damage - I can't feel anything down there. Has it all gone north?"

"No, Susie; it hasn't gone west either. Let me up please, I've a soggy bottom now, as well as a sticky front."

"Better that, than a sticky bottom and a soggy front," Susie laughed, as she helped me up.

I pulled my top back on and made ready to leave.

"Wait a minute, Jeffrey, my feet feel funny. Oh sugar! I've lost my trainers - they cost me a fortune."

"Get some like mine next time - ten pounds from Aldi. They're all made in China: no one will notice the difference."

"Sometimes, Jeffrey, I'm tempted to believe you have a one hundred percent Neanderthal brain."

"That's not an insult. Let's see you survive an ice age and kill a mammoth."

Susie wasn't paying attention; she was sniffing the air. "What's that stink, Jeffrey?"

"It's your feet, Susie, they smell of quicksand. You brought up some of the bottom stuff."

She sniffed again, longer and deeper. "That's not the smell of quicksand," she exploded, "that's the smell of shit. No wonder we've got this place to ourselves, we've been romping around in a bloody cesspit."

"No we haven't, it's just sand that pongs a bit."

"It's black, it's sticky and it stinks - it's shit, Jeffrey. What comes out of that pipe?"

"Rainwater mainly, unless the sewers get overloaded, but that's not supposed to happen very often."

"That's criminal, Jeffrey, I'll be writing a strong letter of protest to the local paper."

"No, don't do that. We don't want to stir up any trouble around here."

Susie frowned. "You're right - best let sleeping dogs lie, but it goes against the grain."

"That's the prudent thing. Come on, don't get upset, we can wash it off in the gully on the way back."

"That's all very well, but we can't go home like this. What are we going to say?"

"I'm way ahead of you, Susie. We cycle out to the car boot sale and buy some new clothes. My mother insists that I always have my emergency money with me."

A gleam appeared in Susie's eyes, "I get to do the shopping, Jeffrey."

"We'll have to talk about that, Susie. Come on, back to the bikes."

In the gully, I took off Susie's socks and did my best to wash out the bottoms of her trousers. "They're not too bad, your socks got the worst of it."

"I can't go barefoot, Jeffrey, what's it to be - your socks or your shoes?"

If I gave her my shoes she was going to have a head start in the shopping stakes, but I didn't fancy walking around a car boot sale with my pants in the state they were. Besides, it would be a noble gesture. "You can have my shoes, but you'll have to ride my bike - it's got serrated metal pedals."

"That's fine, Jeffrey, you can have a turn pulling the trailer."

"I should warn you, Susie, the first time on a racing saddle can be painful - especially for girls."

"In what way?"

"You'll have to find that out for yourself. How a girl's nether regions and a racing saddle fit together is a complete mystery to me. The big danger though is to something we do have in common - the nerve in the crotch. Pinch that ever so slightly over a long ride and you'll be numb down there for weeks."

"Are you trying to put me off, Jeffrey?"

"No, Susie, but don't blame me if you end up walking like John Wayne."

On the way up the beach, I threw some driftwood in the trailer. "In case anybody wonders what we're up to, Susie; we can pass for a couple of homeless urchins struggling to survive."

* * * * * * * * * * *

I was relieved to be back on the bikes and heading into the country.

"You've done it, Jeffrey, committed the perfect murder. No motive, no body and no witnesses."

"There is one witness, Susie and she knows where the body is buried. I hope I won't regret pulling you out of that quicksand. No careless talk, eh?"

"My lips are sealed, Jeffrey. I was thinking we could send a ransom note to put them off the trail."

"Are you mad, Susie?" I spluttered. "They're not on the trail, but they will be if we send them our DNA. The police won't bother about a runaway dog, but they will about a kidnapping. Let's keep it simple."

"I defer to your superior knowledge on all things criminal, Jeffrey. Subject closed, after you tell me one thing: did you know what you were doing with that pump?"

"No ... but my subconscious might have."

"Explain, Jeffrey."

"Well, I do a lot of reading and things stick. I can recall skimming through a book about how to deal with various emergencies."

"And that was one of them?"

"Yes: just be thankful I wasn't carrying an umbrella, or there would have been blood and guts everywhere."

"Enough said, Jeffrey."

"One thing I'd like to know, Susie - was any of this in your tea leaves?"

"Not in detail: that'd be like asking for the winner of the Grand National and that's not allowed."

"Really, I wonder why not."

"Don't be cynical, Jeffrey. She did say that I was a trifle headstrong and it would get me into trouble - frequently. But not to worry - you'd always be there to extricate me."

"Do you know, Susie, I always imagined having a girlfriend who would look after me, like my mother. She'd bring me breakfast in bed ..."

"... and buy your clothes for you," Susie interjected triumphantly.

I subtly increased speed and whenever the elastic looked like breaking I eased back. Susie knew what I was doing, but she put her head down and ploughed on. It wasn't a wasted effort, because as we arrived above the car boot field it began spotting with rain.

"You're a little demon on a bike, Jeffrey, my legs are like jelly."

"We have to hurry, Susie, it's starting to pour down - they're already packing up."

"Give me my top back, I'll tie it around my waist to cover up the rip."

I dutifully obeyed, then unzipped my back pocket and dug out the fifty pounds. "I'd better take it all, Jeffrey, there'll be no time for shopping around - worse luck."

Susie grabbed the money and was off down the hill. "Go easy," I called after her, "just get the essentials - but don't get me a football shirt with some dork's name across the back." Not that there was much danger of that, I thought ruefully.

I withdrew into a little wood for shelter and found a pool of rainwater. I stripped off and with a wetted trouser leg rubbed the congealed blood from my belly. I dried myself with the other leg, sat down with my clothes in my lap and waited.

* * * * * * * * * * *

"Where are you, Jeffrey?"

"In here, Susie."

"I'm soaked, but have I got a bargain," she exulted, holding up two bulging black bags.

"Have I got any change?"

"No, Jeffrey, we've got a stack of expensive, top designer clothes."

"Hang on, you've been to a boot sale, not Harrods. You've probably bought a load of fakes. Did you give them the once-over?"

"Just a quick look, the woman was ready to drive off. I'm a good judge of character; she had a genuine reason for the sale."

"Let me guess," I interrupted, "she was emigrating to Australia and everything must go." Susie looked nonplussed. "I'm right, aren't I? Fifty pounds on a load of tat."

"Tat or not, Jeffrey, you'll be wearing it, unless you've had a sudden urge to take up Naturism. I wouldn't advise it - you're already turning blue."

I was going all goosepimply, but thank God, the rain had stopped." Find something in there to dry me off."

Susie rummaged in one of the bags and finally handed over some sort of shawl. I turned around and started towelling down. "That's a perky little bum, Jeffrey."

"It's a cyclist's bottom, Susie, firm and springy. To tell you the truth, now I've lost my puppy fat, I think I look kind of svelte."

"Here you are, get your svelte little body into some of these clothes," and she threw over one of the bags. "I'm off to change."

I found a pair of briefs and slipped them on. They must make unisex ones, because I'm sure I've worn something like them before. Susie had shown some mercy - she'd left me a pair of girl's jeans. I soon had them on with a t-shirt, socks and trainers. I could have settled for another couple of t-shirts, but it seemed selfish not to give Susie a little of what she fancied. On went a white blouse and a leather biker jacket.

Susie came back across. She looked the same as when we set out, so one of us wouldn't be facing any awkward questions when they arrived home. Her eyes were shining. "They're right, Jeffrey, clothes do maketh the man. God, you're gorgeous - you look so girly."

I was so surprised that I forgot to blush. "What do you mean girly? This is a butch look."

"You can't do butch, Jeffrey, leave that to me."

"You can't either, Susie, whatever you may think."

"I'm not going to argue, Jeffrey, I'm so happy. You've saved me from having to learn Japanese."

"You've lost me, Susie."

"There's a Japanese game show where they dress boys up as girls. It's wonderful: the studio audience is all schoolgirls."

"Ah, one of those torture shows. What happens?"

"I'm a bit hazy about that - it's all in Japanese - it's double Dutch to me. It's very tastefully done. They dress the boys as prom queens and ask a few questions. They squirm a little, but they're awfully cute."

"What has all this to do with me?"

"Asians boys are more androgynous than western ones: I thought I'd have to find myself a Japanese boyfriend. I couldn't believe my luck when I saw you sitting there playing with your hair."

"I don't play with my hair."

"Yes you do - and in a very girly way. I'm not the only one who's noticed."

I didn't want to know if I had any more admirers, but I was curious about Susie's viewing habits, "Where have you been watching Japanese television?"

"YouTube, Jeffrey."

"Susie, the Internet is leading you astray. It's a pernicious influence and I'm the one who's being made to suffer. I'm at impressionable age - today's events could scar me for life."

"You seem to be taking it all in your stride, Jeffrey."

"I think I may be experiencing post traumatic shock right now. Why else would I be happy dressing up for you?"

"Look on the bright side, Jeffrey, if you suffer any permanent psychological damage, we can always sue Google."

 

Susie and Jeffrey 4

"You're talking gobbledygook, Jeffrey."

"No I'm not, Susie, it's just over your head. In plain English: this will never happen again."

"Never is a long day, Jeffrey."

"Ah, but consider this, Susie: I've suffered a harrowing experience and as a result, I've ended up cross-dressing. That," I concluded triumphantly, "is what you psychologists call aversion therapy."

Susie and Jeffrey 4 by Jamie Hayworth

 

 

Susie and Jeffrey 4

 

 

Chapter 4

"It's part of my fantasy," Susie pleaded, "Come on, it won't hurt to wear the bra."

"It's surplus to requirements: I've nothing to put in it."

"You'd be surprised, Jeffrey, these modern bras can make molehills out of puppy fat."

"This is no time for me to start cultivating a pair of budding breasts. Use your imagination - it shouldn't be too difficult, this jacket seems to have a shape all of its own."

"You're right, Jeffrey, it sits very well on you. I can believe you've a pert little bosom under there."

"No, Susie, what I've got is a pert little bottom and perky little boobs."

"Many a true word is spoken in jest: once I get you a real push-up bra, you'll be saying 'Hello boys' in no time."

I sighed. Is there a name for girls like, Susie? I wonder what Google would turn up.

Listen to this, Jeffrey. "We're snogging away, both wearing red lipstick and rubbing our breasts together." I was glad she closed her eyes because I didn't know where to look. "Ooh, I'll be thinking about that in bed tonight - how about you?"

"That's way out of my league - I've been more than happy fantasizing about BBC weather girls."

Susie shook her head and took a deep breath. "We should calm down, Jeffrey, we've had enough adventures for one day. That's something for the future."

"Susie, this morning circumstances have weirdly conspired against me. In fact, if I hadn't read Feller on random walks and coin tossing, I'd be dragging you off to the ducking stool."

"You're talking gobbledygook, Jeffrey."

"No I'm not, Susie, it's just over your head. In plain English: this will never happen again."

"Never is a long day, Jeffrey."

"Ah, but consider this, Susie: I've suffered a harrowing experience and as a result, I've ended up cross-dressing. That," I concluded triumphantly, "is what you psychologists call aversion therapy."

She nodded thoughtfully. "Leave it to me, Jeffrey, as soon as I get home, I'll be googling away."

Sometimes I may be too smart for my own good.

I stowed the bags in the trailer and we were ready to start for home.

"What's the matter, Susie?" I enquired, as she ran her hand over my saddle.

"I think I'll ride my own bike, Jeffrey; it's more comfortable. I'm a bit sore downstairs."

"Anything of that kind and my grandmother brings out the Fiery Jack."

Susie frowned. "That sounds a touch harsh for what I had in mind."

"You may be right, but it has its uses: it certainly stops dogs licking their bollocks."

"Behave, Jeffrey - we don't want you letting the side down. Remember how you're dressed."

"That reminds me of another sensitive matter, Susie, I'm a bit embarrassed to ask ..."

"Don't be, Jeffrey, as far as you're concerned I'm unshockable. Spit it out."

"Is there any chance of getting some of my money back?"

"Jeffrey, I'm shocked. I'm the girl who gave you the clothes off her back. What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine," she huffed. "Besides, you snaffled that jacket and they're a hundred pounds in the shops; I'd planned on adding it to my wardrobe."

"I'll sell it you for fifty."

"But you think it's a fake, Jeffrey."

"I've changed my mind; girls are allowed to do that aren't they?"

"It really does make you look very girly, Jeffrey."

"Tease all you like, I'm hanging onto it until you pay up - I don't care if it makes me look like Helen of Troy."

"There's a thought, Jeffrey."

"No more fantasies please, Susie. Let's concentrate on getting home safely. If anything happens to me, it'll be your fault. I'm vulnerable dressed like this."

"Worry not, I'll fend off any overenthusiastic admirers."

"That's not what I meant," I complained. "I'll just have to keep my head down and trust to luck. We'll take the old road home, that way there's no danger of being clobbered by some madman at a roundabout."

"Well, at least you'd be wearing clean underwear. I trust you're wearing panties, Jeffrey - you don't want to get a reputation."

"Thanks for your concern, Susie. I am wearing them, and very nice they are. Now let's go."

We headed west into a perfect rainbow. I was expecting a mystic interpretation of this sign from above, but Susie surprised me. "My dad listens to the juke box show on local radio - he inflicts it on all of us."

"Good on your dad, that's one thing we'll have in common - I love the oldies."

"Are you familiar with a little ditty of Randy and the Rainbows?"

"Only too familiar, they play it every other week."

"Sing along Jeffrey."

"Denise, Denise,
Oh with your eyes so blue
Denise, Denise,
I've got a crush on you
Denise, Denise,
I'm so in love with you ..."

I joined in. We were halfway through Sunday Girl when Susie got a puncture.

"You don't seem too put out, Jeffrey."

"I'm not, Susie, it's just a minor inconvenience. I've got the tools - and the pump. Mending a puncture will be a welcome return to normality after this morning's trials."

I had the wheel off and started in with the tire levers. "Do you want me to hold your jacket, Jeffrey?"

"No thanks, I've grown quite attached to it. I think it suits me," I said as I stripped the tyre off.

"I've a leather skirt at home, you can borrow it and go for the full biker girl look."

"As you said, that's way too butch for me. Here, run your hand around inside this tyre - see if there's anything sharp poking through. That's no job for a delicate little flower like me."

Everything went smoothly. I was bending over, pressing down the patch when I heard a squeal of brakes. "Don't panic, Jeffrey," Susie hissed, "we've got company."

"Hello, girls, having trouble," whooped a cheery voice from behind me. "It looks like you're in need of a man. I'm Max by name and max by nature."

"Max?" Susie queried. "That's a dog's name. We know a thing or two about handling dogs."

"I like cheeky girls. What're your names?"

"None of your business, and stop ogling Denise's bum."

I became acutely aware of my cyclist's bottom straining at my jeans. I just knew we were in for a full on flirting session. My best hope was to be a silent, sulky girl and hide behind my hair.

I turned around and laid eyes on a burly boy about our age. "Good thing I came along, you'd struggle to get the tyre back on - that needs real muscles." He flexed his biceps. "Here, Denise, squeeze these."

I looked down and mumbled, "It requires technique not brute strength."

"I've had no complaints about my technique," he smirked and snatched the inner tube from me.

I scurried over to Susie's side. She pulled me into her and whispered, "It's all right, Jeffrey, you're in no danger, Bugs Bunny in drag would fool him."

"That's not very flattering, Susie."

"Don't pout, Denise; you're a little fox. He's already got his eye on your assets," She squeezed my bum. "You may respond in kind, Jeffrey."

We stood there fondling each other's bottoms. I began to feel quite giddy.

"Do you know what this is, Jeffrey?"

"Yes, Susie - it's anti-aversion therapy."

Max looked up, red-faced from struggling with the wheel. "What's up, doc?" Susie called out.

"I can't get enough leverage to force this last bit home," he puffed. "What I need is a big screwdriver."

"Can you assist him in that department, Denise?"

"Afraid not, I only carry a mini tool kit."

"Just like a girl," he snorted, and renewed his assault on the tyre. "Damn, now I've bruised my bloody thumbs." He threw the wheel down and flailed his arms about. "I think this bloody tyre must have shrunk," he whined.

We were going to be here all day; I went over and got down on my hands and knees. I pushed a couple of levers home, and thrust forward. The tyre popped into place.

"You'll have to teach me that trick, Denise, after I've shown you a few of mine," Max smirked. "How about it?"

The smack on the bottom surprised me and I went sprawling. I turned around to see Susie deliver a hefty kick up the backside. "Keep your hands to yourself, you bloody letch."

"All right, all right, I didn't mean any harm. It was just a bit of fun. Here, let me finish off the job."

After a further struggle, he got the wheel in and pumped up the tyre with a flourish. "That was more in my line. The business with the wheel must have been some sort of fluke. Let's see," he mocked, "if technique can overcome brute strength at arm wrestling. I'll take you both on at once."

"Oh you naughty girl, Denise," Susie laughed, "you've punctured his male pride."

The old Jeffrey would have shrugged off his challenge, but Susie's bringing out the boy in me. I saw a way to recoup my losses. "If we had a table I'd take you on; the fact of the matter is you're a bit of a porker."

"I'm solid muscle."

"It's burger fat. You're Big Mac Max."

His eyes popped. "If you weren't a bloody girl, I'd soon teach you a lesson."

"You want to show me what you're made of, okay, how about this? I'll race you to the top of the next hill. What's more, I'll start from here; you can start from the bottom of the hill. But I want your bike if I win."

That took him by surprise. I had time to study his face; I didn't need female intuition to know the way his mind was working. "Okay, but," he slyly added, "I want an incentive as well."

"Like what?"

"A full snogging session with both of you," he leered.

"You're on," I replied without hesitation.

"Denise, Denise, come over here," Susie cried, and dragged me away.

"Have you gone mad, Jeffrey?"

"This is all down to you, Susie."

"I've released a monster from the id. You're not supposed to behave like this."

"That's what happens when you meddle in things you don't understand. It's nemesis, Susie."

"We can discuss philosophy later. There's no way I'm snogging Porky Pig and I'm not having him snog you either."

"Calm down, Susie, he's a tub of lard. He couldn't even go three rounds with that tyre."

"There's muscle under there somewhere, and he'll be sitting down this time."

"He won't be sitting down for long; that's a vicious climb and it goes up for a quarter of a mile. He's no chance."

"Bloody hell, Jeffrey, I wish I'd never started this."

"Ten minutes from now you'll deny you ever said that. Come on let's get back."

Susie looked serious. "Wait a minute, Jeffrey; you're not doing this so you have an excuse to kiss a boy, are you?"

"Gee, Susie, you're the one who knows all about my secret desires. Do you think subconsciously I want to lose? We'll just have to see."

"Please, Jeffrey don't do this, you could get hurt," Susie pleaded.

I would have liked to keep Susie in suspense, but she needed to know what I intended. "By the way, if I turn around and come racing back downhill, don't waste any time, head for the bypass; we'll be safe in all that traffic before he knows what's happened."

Susie laughed in relief. "I should have trusted you to have a plan B; you're turning out to be a devious little bugger, Jeffrey."

"I'm afraid I'm not a maid of honour, Susie."

"Nonsense, Denise: you just don't understand the difference between girl honour and boy honour."

Max gave Susie an unfriendly stare, "I hope you haven't talked her out of it."

"Denise has talked me into it - let's shake on the deal. No backsliding," Susie added solemnly, "whoever loses abides by the bet."

I went along with Max's attempt to impress me with his handshake. "Ouch, that hurt - you don't know your own strength."

"That's what you're up against little lady," he grinned. "We'll soon be playing tonsil tennis."

"Do you have to put up with this kind of thing, Susie?"

"No, Denise, Jeffrey's in touch with his feminine side."

"That doesn't sound like the Jeffrey I know. He may be a bit of a late bloomer, but at best, he's a self-centred inky swot; he can be - pardon my French - a right little shit at times."

"That's a sister's opinion - not the most objective."

"We're twins, Susie, I know exactly how Jeffrey's mind works."

"Sounds like a poofter to me," Max interrupted, "one of those Nature's played a cruel trick on."

"Psychology is my speciality," Susie offered, "you're a classic case, Max, if Jeffrey was here, you wouldn't be able to keep your hands off him."

"You don't know what you're talking about; wait until you see me and Denise at it, I'll show you which side my bread is buttered - and then I'll show you what a real man's like. I wouldn't be surprised if you wanted Denise to lose."

"Save your breath, Max, and on your bike," I ordered.

"Five minutes from now, you'll be the one who's gasping," he grunted, and gave us a determined look before setting off.

"Did you have to let him have that much of an advantage, Jeffrey?" Susie frowned, when Max reached the bottom of the hill, and waved he was ready.

"He's at least fifty percent heavier than me; he's going from a standing start in the wrong gear, and he's no wind. I'll be going full bore when I start climbing; I'll soar up past him. You can forget Plan B - you'll probably beat him yourself."

"Do you know what hubris is, Jeffrey?"

"Don't worry, Susie, I've already used up my share this morning."

* * * * * * * * * * *

I shut my eyes and steeled myself to kiss Max. He groaned and I opened my eyes. Thank God, he was coming round. I let go of his nose and jumped back.

"That would have been a selfless act, Jeffrey."

"It wouldn't have felt right taking a bike from a dead man, Susie."

Max sat up and coughed.

"Are you going to be okay?" Susie asked.

He coughed again. "A big gob of spit went down the wrong way; I couldn't get my breath."

"You gave it a good try, Max, but the best man won," I smiled.

"It wasn't fair making me start from the bottom; I slipped a gear and banged my ankle and then I ran over a squashed squirrel and halfway up I got a stitch," he spluttered.

"That would be just after I passed you."

"Yeah, if I'd got my second wind then, it would have been a different story."

"You've had a real run of bad luck, Max; you were a second away from being kissed like you've never been kissed before. Isn't that right, Denise?"

He looked over at me. "I still feel a bit dizzy - would you like to give me the kiss of life?"

"No thanks, I'll save it for the real thing - I've had enough practice with dummies."

Max got to his feet. "I don't think you're the girl for me after all. It wouldn't hurt to show a little tender loving care to an invalid."

"I hope you're fit enough to walk home because a bet's a bet," Susie reminded him. "We shook on the deal."

"Yeah, I may be a bit of a barbarian, but I'm a man of honour."

Susie and I exchanged a guilty look.

"Here's a little consolation prize - you can watch this. I promised I'd snog the winner. Come here, Denise, you're getting some more anti-aversion therapy."

"Susie gave my breath control a stern test, but I came through with flying colours and she broke off gasping."

"Do it again," Max urged and we obliged.

"What was it like?" Max asked, wide-eyed.

"Well for my part, it was just like kissing Jeffrey; I think I must be bisexual. How about you, Denise?"

"I'm definitely a lesbian, Susie. Sorry, Max."

"It's okay. No offence, but I didn't think you were such a ladette - you're too spunky for my taste. I want a girl who knows her place. Still you're something to think about on the walk home."

I was fuming, but I echoed Susie's, "Goodbye, Max."

I waited until he was out of earshot and turned to Susie. "He called me a ladette. Oh, Susie, what have you done to me? Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine myself as a lad of any sort - I'm an intellectual."

"Calm down, Jeffrey, he was hacked off at the drubbing you gave him."

"No, Susie, under your influence I'm turning into a common oik. That's not at all how I see myself. I should have treated him with total disdain."

"How do you see yourself as Denise?"

"I'm not playing those games. That way lies madness."

"Come on, you didn't mind our last little games."

I closed my eyes. "Denise is a librarian."

"Aw, Jeffrey, if you're going to have a fantasy have a good one."

"Denise is a librarian, you're a BBC weather girl and we're rubbing our breasts together."

"You're making good progress, Jeffrey."

* * * * * * * * * * *

I was feeling quite tranquil as we rolled along.

"Have you done this before, Jeffrey?"

"What, Susie?"

"Steered two bikes at the same time."

"No, I'm surprised how easy it is."

"You must be a well-balanced individual, Jeffrey."

"Thank you, Susie, maybe I just have a natural flair for it."

"How's my anti aversion therapy coming along, Jeffrey?"

"What do I know, I'm only the patient, you're the expert. I'm willing to continue the treatment, if that's what you think is best. Your last effort made my toes curl, so you may be on the right track."

"I'm sure I am, Jeffrey. You look one happy bunny."

"It's a full suspension mountain bike, Susie, I should more than get my money back."

"About that, Jeffrey, it was my lips on the line as well; I think I should get a reward; that jacket for starters."

"You can have all the clothes, Susie, and anything over fifty, I'll split with you. I'll be sorry to say goodbye to the jacket, I feel more assertive wearing it. Maybe I should get a motorcycle jacket, boots and a leather cap - what do you think?"

"It'd be a disaster. You can be a biker girl, but not a biker boy."

"You're right; I could never be happy as a macho man. I'm going for a drab baggy look from now on. I'm a bit worried about the signals my bottom's sending out; I don't want a repetition of this morning's events."

"Aw, Jeffrey, I was looking forward to some more friendly fondling."

"Oh, it's not out of bounds to you, Susie; you have administrative access."

"Thank you, Jeffrey, I won't abuse the privilege. You know, everything considered, it's been a very satisfactory morning's work."

"For you maybe, I've still the problem of my mother. We're so late, she'll be waiting at the gate for me."

"She's overprotective since your dad died, isn't she?"

"Yes, she spoils me and I take advantage of her; I know I shouldn't, but it's hard not to. In spite of your little quirk, you're the best thing that could have happened to me. She was right about that."

"Stop it, Jeffrey, you're making me quite emotional."

"Sorry, Susie, I know what you mean."

We had a few silent moments before I said, "Throwing those bloody clothes away was a mistake, without them my mother's never going to believe the truth."

"Go in wearing the jeans and t-shirt. Tell her we swapped clothes for a bit of fun and I wouldn't give them back. Everyone does it."

"Do they, Susie?"

"Yes, Jeffrey: I'm just a little more enthusiastic about it than most - and so are you."

By the time we reached home, I'd decided to follow her advice. It sounded reasonable - but it was Susie's idea.

"What a relief," she groaned, "my thighs ache and my bottom's on fire. How do you manage with that saddle of yours, Jeffrey? You must have springs in your arse."

"Language, Susie."

"Sorry, Jeffrey, but I'm in extremis. I've never done twenty miles on a bike before. What I need is a long hot bath."

"Here take the jacket and blouse. Can you give the bike a home as well? I've run out of room in my shed."

"Okay, Jeffrey, here's a kiss for luck - see you later."

My mother was at the front gate looking up and down the road. All I'm wearing is a pair of girl's jeans, I thought, that's nothing to bother about. She will probably be so relieved to see me, she won't even notice.

"I'm home mum," I called and ran towards her open arms.

* * * * * * * * * * *

I'd let mum fuss over me and been duly apologetic. It was cruel of her to let me think I was getting away with it.

"Where did you get those jeans, Jeffrey?" she asked, as I edged over to the living room door, seeking the safety of my bedroom.

"They're Susie's, she thought it would be fun to swap. It seemed a bit strange, but she was insistent. I was too much of a gentleman to refuse."

"Why have you come home in them?"

"She wouldn't give me my pants back - she's a high-spirited girl."

My mother gave me a knowing smile. "What have you got on underneath, Jeffrey? Are you wearing her panties?"

"She's a perfectionist. I think she may be a little quirky'"

Mum put her hands on my shoulders. "Don't blame Susie. Do you remember telling me not to buy you any more boxer shorts? You said you wanted something with more support for when you were on your bike. Something more like I wore, you said - I took the hint, Jeffrey."

"That's right, you got me some cycling briefs - just like these ..." No wonder they seemed familiar. "Aargh, I've been wearing girl's knickers on my bike. Aw, mum, what if I'd had an accident?"

My mother pulled my head into her breast. "Don't pretend you didn't know, Jeffrey. It's all right, I'm not angry. I was so relieved to find out what had been troubling you these last few months. There had to be some explanation for your strange behaviour. You're a classic case, Jeffrey - I've been doing some research."

"You haven't been googling, have you?"

"No, I've got it straight from the horse's mouth - I've been recording daytime talk shows."

Mum's not even an ologist; God knows what rubbish she's picked up. "There's been a misunderstanding. I've a girlfriend now, just like you wanted and I'm more than happy with her."

"I'm sure you are, Jeffrey. You've known her for less than twenty-four hours and already you're wearing her clothes. You've found a little treasure there - not all girls would be so sympathetic."

"Sympathetic? Susie's enthusiastic," I spluttered.

Mum gave me a beatific smile. "Then you're doubly blessed, Jeffrey. You'll be so much happier now it's out in the open. I'm so grateful to Susie for getting you to share your secret with me. She's a wonderful girl - be guided by her, Jeffrey."

This is surreal, but after this morning's events, nothing surprises me. I'm going to make bloody sure I get something out of this. "Can I talk to you about something rather personal, mum? It's my biggest worry at the moment."

My mother wrapped me in her arms. "Come here, my little darling."

I'd forgotten how nice hugging your mother is. It spurred me on. "I don't think now would be a good time for me to have a stepfather."

"What are you talking about, Jeffrey?"

"You know, you said I needed a male role model. I thought you had that guy at work in mind - he seems pretty keen on you." I thought I might as well go for broke. "I don't like him."

"I don't like him either, Jeffrey. I was so frustrated with you I would have said anything. Don't worry baby, you're the only man in my life."

She can baby and darling me as much as she likes - at last, something's gone my way. As for the other thing - the least said the better.

"Would you like to help me with dinner, Jeffrey? I'm sure you'll want to help around the house a lot more in the future."

What's the use - I probably deserve all that's coming to me.

* * * * * * * * * * *

"Wake up, Sleeping Beauty, your Prince has come."

I was roused with a kiss; it was very pleasant. "These afternoon naps leave one feeling so sleepy, Susie - can you help?"

Susie obliged with another kiss and sat on the edge of the bed. "I've had a long talk with your mother, Jeffrey, it seems you may have been less than frank with me."

"All I can say, Susie is no one's more surprised than I am. I've been such a secret cross-dresser that I didn't even know it myself."

"Come on ,Jeffrey, all boys have an underwear catalogue stashed away somewhere."

"You of all people should know I'm not your average boy."

Susie's grin alarmed me. "You didn't mention, Denise, did you?"

"Don't worry, I stuck to our story - I didn't get you in any deeper." She paused and put her hand on my knee. "Are you very upset?"

"The truth is my greatest worry has been kicked into the long grass - I'm definitely not getting a stepfather. Nothing could be as bad as that."

"So your mother's to have a new daughter instead of a new husband," Susie smiled.

"No - I have my doubts about exactly what my mum believes. Mothers always have a few tricks up their sleeve; maybe she thinks it's payback time."

"She couldn't fool me, Jeffrey, I know when people are lying - it's a gift I have."

"Perhaps what she told you and what she told me are two different things."

"I'd never deceive you, Jeffrey."

"It doesn't matter what the truth is, I've decided on my strategy. I'm going to help around the house, be more considerate and if mum wants to talk about things I'm not really interested in, well I'll do my best."

"You're going to behave like a daughter."

"No, I'm not. It's just that I won't be acting like a boorish teenage boy - there's a difference."

"If it walks like a duck ..."

"That's the second part of my strategy: I shan't be quacking or dressing like a duck. I'm showing no interest in girl's clothes at all, and if she brings up the subject, I'm going to be deliberately obtuse."

"Obtuse, Jeffrey?"

"Yes, obtuse: I shall also be naive and confused. I'm sorry, Susie, but I have to avoid all things girly in future. Eventually, I hope my mother will come to believe that this was just a passing fancy."

"Does this mean you don't want to see me anymore, Jeffrey?"

"Of course not, Susie, but perhaps you won't want to see me."

"I shouldn't tell you this, Jeffrey, but you've captured my heart."

"Sometimes, Susie," I smiled, "I think you really do know something about psychology."

"I have another confession to make: I've given the bike to my little brother."

"That's okay; I'll settle for fifty pounds as it's family."

"He insisted I give it him, Jeffrey - I have to keep him sweet."

"I think you should explain, Susie."

"I didn't force him, Jeffrey. He was more than willing - I just helped him along."

"Are we talking about your little quirk?"

"It's not a quirk. All sisters dress up their little brothers. I took the whole blame when dad found out. He's a bit old fashioned in that respect; I got a right rollicking."

"That was noble of you, Susie, but I don't understand, shouldn't he be grateful to you?"

"That was then: now he's a stroppy teenager. He's threatened to tell dad I've been getting up to my old tricks again."

"Why would he take his word for it rather than yours?"

"Believe it or not, Jeffrey, I've told a few whoppers in my time. And I'm still under a cloud from the car incident."

"The car incident?"

"I scratched the car. That's why I'm short of the readies; I'm still paying it off."

"That was careless, Susie; what did you scratch it with."

"The gatepost, Jeffrey. I wanted to have a flying start next year when I learn to drive."

"So my fifty pounds is contributing to your dad's car repairs."

"And a new gatepost. I didn't hit the old one that hard - it was already wonky."

"Oh, Susie, is every day with you going to be like this?"

She put her arm around me. "I can't promise, Jeffrey, but I'll do my best."

I laughed. "I'm hoping after a good night's sleep and a morning of double, double maths it will seem like today happened to someone else."

She looked into my eyes. "I'm sorry, Jeffrey, I can't help myself, I'll always want that someone else. Do you mind?"

"You're a funny girl, Susie."

"So are you, Jeffrey."

 

Susie and Jeffrey 5 - 6

"Who's Robbie?"

"Captain of the first fifteen - the most civilised of the muddied oafs. He's a serious athlete - trains on Mars bars and bananas. You must have seen him, Susie."

"Oh that big gorilla," she laughed and poked me in the ribs. "Hey, Jeffrey, you know what they say: if you look like a monkey don't walk around carrying a banana."

Susie and Jeffrey 5 - 6 by Jamie Hayworth

 

 

Susie and Jeffrey 5 - 6

 

 

Chapter 5

"Isn't this romantic, Jeffrey?" Susie sighed and slipped her hand into mine. "I'm so happy having a boy walk me to school."

"I think you may be developing a serious sense of irony, Susie."

"No I really like it; change and change about appeals to me, Jeffrey."

"I wish you'd been content with a boy yesterday; thanks to our gender bending shenanigans, I had to make the breakfast this morning. Come over tonight and we can do some female bonding over the ironing board."

"A little domestication will do you no harm, Jeffrey; you were being spoiled for marriage. I've saved you from eternal bachelorhood."

"Between you and my mother, I'm going to make someone a wonderful wife."

Susie linked arms. "You'll make me a perfect mate."

"We're only sixteen, Susie."

"I know, Jeffrey, but there's no harm in showing some maturity and planning ahead. You should take a lesson from me; if you carry on like yesterday, you may become something of a flippertygibbet."

"Susie, you've rendered me speechless."

She smiled and linked me even tighter. "Jeffrey."

"Yes, Susie."

"You haven't said you like my school uniform." She twirled around. "I've made a special effort for you."

"I'm sorry, Susie, this is all new to me; I don't want to say anything sexist," I added cautiously.

"It's all right, you can tell me if you prefer a short skirt to trousers," she cajoled.

"I know where this is going, Susie, and I'm not falling for it. We're not changing clothes. I've given my mother enough ammunition already; I'm one step away from ballet lessons."

"You've got it all wrong, Jeffrey; I don't want to swap - I want us to be a pair of schoolgirls, naughty schoolgirls," she teased. At least I hope she's teasing - though I wouldn't want to bet my trousers on it.

"Oh please, Susie, we're on our way to school, don't put those kind of thoughts into my head." I paused and decided to risk it. "I have to ask - wouldn't it just be easier to have, you know, a girlfriend?"

"Oh, I've thought about that," she responded brightly. "What do I want, a boy, a girl, a boyish girl or a girlish boy? I was really puzzled, then you came along, Jeffrey - a boyish girlish boy, and solved my problem."

"I'm glad you've cleared that up for me, Susie - I was confused before."

"It's not complicated, Jeffrey; we were made for each other."

"Other people may have their own ideas about that; I suppose you know you're a much sought after girl."

"Yes, Jeffrey, it's funny isn't it? There they are trying to make an impression on me, while you sit there, hiding yourself away, oblivious to my charms."

"To be honest," I confessed, "you didn't go unnoticed."

She kissed me on the cheek. "I know, Jeffrey."

"That was nice, Susie, but maybe we should be more discreet in school; some of the more primitive types may think a punch on my nose is the way to your heart."

"You mean you want to hide our love away, Jeffrey."

"Not exactly, but a lot of red-blooded males will be disappointed - perhaps it would be better if they thought we were just friends."

"You needn't worry, Jeffrey," she grinned, "I'll put it about that we're a pair of lesbians."

"Oh, please say you're joking, Susie."

"Yes I'm joking, Jeffrey." She gave my bottom a pat. "We'll just be lesbians in private, okay."

"I don't know about that. I can't deny it has its attractions, but do I want to give up all hope of a career in rugby league."

"You'll have to do that anyway," Susie laughed, "my dad's strictly union."

"So is the school, but all that's behind me now thank God; this year it's cross-country and badminton. They don't want us no-hopers getting in their way at practice matches. It won't do them any good, they're all pretty much useless except Robbie."

"Who's Robbie?"

"Captain of the first fifteen - the most civilised of the muddied oafs. He's a serious athlete - trains on Mars bars and bananas. You must have seen him, Susie."

"Oh that big gorilla," she laughed and poked me in the ribs. "Hey, Jeffrey, you know what they say: if you look like a monkey don't walk around carrying a banana."

"I don't think I'll be telling him that; he hasn't got a great sense of humour."

"Know him well, do you, Jeffrey?"

"He sat behind me after he dropped down into our class to retake his exams. He seemed to like me; I don't know why - we have nothing in common. It meant I had to listen to a lot of sporting nonsense, but it doesn't do any harm to have the school's best athlete on your side."

"Has he got a girlfriend?"

"Oh, we never talked about things like that; he's got a car this year, though. Am I going to have a rival, Susie?"

"No, Jeffrey, you're not going to have a rival."

"That's a relief. I wouldn't want to be dumped for a gorilla - it was bad enough being ditched for a horse."

"Wait a minute," Susie accused, "I thought I was your first girlfriend."

"Carol wasn't my girlfriend, she's my cousin; she's a bit of a tomboy."

"Oh, I see."

"No you don't. She was just more adventurous than me, nothing else."

"Nothing else?"

"Well, she may have teased me that I was prettier than her, but that's all - she didn't want me for her doll. As soon as she got her horse, she lost interest in me. She was so possessive; she didn't want to share it with anyone."

"Did you want a ride on it, Jeffrey?"

"No way, Susie, it was a big horse; it scared me just walking around it. But it would have been nice if she'd made the offer - I was quite hurt by her attitude."

"Do you see much of Carol nowadays?"

"No, horsy girls definitely don't appeal to me."

"You don't want to see me in jodhpurs and riding boots then?"

"No, you're redoubtable enough in skirts. Besides, when you spend time mucking out horses, the pong," I held my nose, "is a bit off-putting. The smell follows you around - it kind of lingers."

"Kind of lingers, Jeffrey?" Susie grinned and looked down.

"Yes, kind of lingers - what's so funny, Susie, are my flies undone?"

"No, Jeffrey, I've just got the giggles."

I discreetly checked below as we approached the gates. "What is it then?"

"I'm just amused that we're right on the bell, Jeffrey."

"I always am, Susie. The less time I spend in school the better."

"I thought you were a keen student, Jeffrey."

"I like the learning, but I've always felt anxious around the place. After my first week here, I refused to go and spent the whole year at home."

"Golly, Jeffrey, how did you manage that?"

"Indulgent parents and bureaucracy. It took that amount of time to work my way up the psychiatric ladder and reach the top man. He just said you're going to go back next year, aren't you? I said 'yes', and that was the end of the whole affair. I still have no idea why it all happened."

"I guess I'd better handle you with care, eh, Jeffrey."

"It would be appreciated, Susie."

* * * * * * * * * * *

I was wandering back across the school field, contemplating the prospect of Susie packing in school dinners and joining me at lunchtime, when I saw Robbie approaching. After a morning's maths, letting him bore me with his weekend sporting achievements would set the seal on a return to normality.

He greeted me with a big smile. "Do you want the Mars bar or the banana Jeffrey?"

"It's all right Robbie, you need them more than I do. You've got to keep your strength up, you know."

"Go on, have the banana; they're good for you - they're full of that possum stuff."

Maybe this business with Susie is making me paranoid, but I'm sure Robbie has a funny look in his eye. I'm having nothing to do with his banana. "I don't think I can manage one that big, best keep it for yourself."

"Here," he thrust it into my hand, "they've a nice open texture; they go down like ice cream."

I reluctantly peeled the banana and brought it up to my mouth. Robbie was staring at me intently. The banana hovered in no man's land. "You've a pair of terrifically kissable lips, Jeffrey."

I was right - him and his bloody banana - he's worse than Max. Bloody boys - they're all bloody awful.

"That Susie Jones is a lucky girl. I was gutted when I saw her with you this morning, but I guess I should have moved in sooner. I don't blame you, Jeffrey; she's a very attractive girl, but I won't give up without a fight."

A wave of relief flooded over me and I silently apologised to Robbie. I knew how to handle this. "Oh, she's our new neighbour, my mother knows her mother," I lied, "I have to walk her to school. It's a bit awkward for both of us."

"So you're not ..."

"God no, the thought never entered my head - I wouldn't know where to begin." I didn't want the big ox bothering Susie, so I ploughed on. "You'll be wasting your time there; she's like me, not interested in the opposite sex."

Robbie put his arm around my shoulder and the hairs on the back of my neck rose. "I've never bothered with girls either, Jeffrey, did you ever wonder why?"

I wish Susie were here, I panicked, I'm out of my depth. "I expect it's because you haven't time," I waved the banana around hoping with a lucky break it would fall to the ground. "What with all your sports stuff and everything."

Robbie looked skyward, and I took a first bite of the banana.

"Don't you think we make an odd couple, Jeffrey?"

"I guess opposites attract," I laughed nervously.

"But we're not opposites are we, Jeffrey?"

I took a huge bite of the banana. "Uuurrgh." The less I said the better.

"How about I give you a ride home tonight, and then we can have a real talk about ... about our relationship."

"Uuurrgh." I crammed in the rest of the banana and hoped it would last out until the bell.

"Come on, Jeffrey, this is difficult for me - say something," he pleaded.

I decided to have a choking fit and spluttering pointed at my throat. "Aaaarrrgghh."

"Don't panic, Jeffrey, I'll soon have your airways clear."

Robbie grasped me from behind and began his version of the Heimlich manoeuvre.

"Oooohhh!"

"Work with me Jeffrey," he urged.

I resisted and as he redoubled his efforts, I sensed that Robbie's thoughts were straying from the purely life-saving. "Nooohh!"

"Ugh," Robbie groaned and pressed into my backside. My baggy trousers strategy wasn't proving a huge success. Well, that's Susie's bottom, and no one else is having any part of it.

"Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!" I expelled a mouthful of banana and went limp - God, I hope he's not a necrophiliac.

Robbie dropped me in shock, and cried out, "Hang on in there, Jeffrey, the kiss of life is on its way."

Brrrrrnnnnnng! Brrrrrnnnnnng! I was saved by the bell.

Here, Godzilla, get a load of this starting technique. I catapulted to my feet. "Can't stop, I've left a Bunsen burner on," I yelled and shot off in the direction of the chemistry lab. "Thanks for the banana."

"I'll see you later, Jeffrey," a despairing voice from behind me cried out.

Not if I can help it. From now on, Susie and I are going to be inseparable.

* * * * * * * * * * *

I rushed Susie away from the school gates. "What's going on, Jeffrey?"

"I'll explain everything, but first let's get away from here."

We were off the main road, well away from Robbie's route home, before I slackened the pace.

"We've got the street to ourselves now, Jeffrey, come on spill the beans."

"First give me a kiss - a proper kiss."

"A proper kiss when you're improperly dressed," Susie smiled, "that would be a backward step in your therapy, Jeffrey."

"Don't tease, I need reassurance - you can have two steps forward later," I rashly promised.

Susie responded enthusiastically. She can't fool me; she loves kissing me however I'm dressed. "Thanks," I panted, "that's done me a power of good; you're definitely the one for me." I tried to adopt a serious air. "Now restrain your mirth while I tell you this ..."

"... What do you make of that?"

Susie deliberated, "I think you may be exaggerating the size of his banana, Jeffrey."

"Please be serious, Susie, I'm relying on you to be my shield and ornament. You have to make it quite clear that I'm yours. Send out the message - 'Hands off Jeffrey, he's mine' - let there be no room for misunderstanding."

"Let's see, in barely twenty-four hours, you've had misunderstandings with a dog, Robbie, your mother and me - not to mention a total deception of Max. Are you sure you're completely innocent in all this, Jeffrey?"

"Totally, no question; I've only ever talked to him in class. Why he's picked on me I've absolutely no idea."

"You haven't been giving him furtive looks in the showers, have you, Jeffrey? You know, just out of curiosity."

"I haven't been in the showers since the verruca scare in the second year. What a blessing in disguise that was. And," I emphasized, "I'm not interested in the rugger buggers' tea and sugar. It'd suit me if everything were fully retractable when not in use - evolution took a wrong turning there if you ask me. That's one reptilian characteristic we should have kept."

"Ugh, I don't fancy that, Jeffrey."

"Someday, Susie, you may come to appreciate the advantages of laying an egg."

"If you'd keep your mind on the job in hand," she snorted, " you'd see there's an easy way out; I'm surprised you haven't thought of it."

"Go on, Susie."

"Robbie's interested in boys, you in particular, so just tell him you want to be a girl. Tell him you spend your time away from school as Denise. I'll back you up, he can even ask your mother. Believe me, once he sees you in lipstick and high heels he'll drop you like a hot potato. You'll be too much of a woman for him."

Susie wasn't laughing - she was serious, but now wasn't the time to upset her. "No doubt you're right," I conceded, "but let's not rush into things. I'd rather hold the nuclear option in reserve. Let's first try a more conventional approach. "

"I don't know, Jeffrey, we're up against rampant teenage hormones."

"Just stick close to me, keep straightening my tie, brushing imaginary hairs off my jacket and anything else you can think of - he'll soon get the message. There are fifteen of them in that rugger team; the odds must be in my favour that he'll find someone who shares his interest."

"Rugby's a highly homoerotic sport Jeffrey, that's why none of this surprises me. I knew the way the wind was blowing."

"Well, I wish you' d told me, Susie. I'm lucky he didn't lure me into his car and trap me in the seat belt with a banana in my hand. That would have been a pretty pickle."

"You wouldn't have believed me, Jeffrey; you would just have pooh-poohed it as another of my fantasies."

"Maybe, but now I come to think of it, a lot of peculiar horseplay goes on in those changing rooms. I think I've been very prudent in keeping to my own little corner."

Susie nodded thoughtfully. "I don't mind giving your way a go; I can see how my idea may be a bra too far for you at this stage."

I heaved a sigh of relief, but I should have known Susie better.

"It'll do no harm to be prepared - I'll have to conduct a nuclear test on you, Jeffrey. You don't want to be caught with your pants down, do you? Well not by Robbie - I'm another matter entirely."

"I can't argue with you there, Susie," I groaned.

"Chin up, Jeffrey and pin your ears back. Here's something to make you laugh," she enthused and pulled on my arm. "You know Russell Slope."

"Only too well - I shouldn't speak ill of the living dead, but he hasn't a single redeeming defect. He's a total swine. He bullied me from the first day at primary school."

"Is he still bullying you, Jeffrey?"

"No, Susie, he hasn't bothered me for years - not since I busted his nose. There was blood everywhere and we both burst into tears. It was a lucky punch, because I had my eyes closed at the time."

"I've heard that excuse before, Jeffrey, and it won't wash; you know exactly what you're doing - at all times."

"I honestly don't," I pouted, "I'm an innocent abroad."

Susie dismissed that with a wave of her hand. "Whatever, but you'll be pleased to hear that he's in for a further beating - this time at my hands."

"How come, Susie?"

"He was sounding off about the superiority of the male sex, himself in particular. He thinks that he's some sort of alpha male - I ask you, Jeffrey."

"Don't ask me: I thought Robbie was an alpha male - I've been sadly disillusioned."

"Anyway, I'm no humourless feminist, as you well know, but when he said that I was a ditz with nice tits, he stepped over the line. You'd never say anything like that, would you, Jeffrey?"

"No, I don't like that word," I hesitated. "I've been tempted to say you've got nice breasts - actually you've got a nice everything, but I wasn't sure about the etiquette in these matters."

"Don't worry, Jeffrey, you've been the perfect gentleman."

"It's good of you to say so, Susie; I'm doing my best."

"I speak as I find, Jeffrey, as that pig found out. I wound him up so much he gave me the perfect opportunity to humble him."

"That doesn't sound like Slope, he's a crafty so-and-so."

"He's met his match in me; I'm going to beat him at his own male chauvinist game." She paused for effect. "Chess, Jeffrey, chess."

"Chess, Susie!" I ejaculated, "you're full of surprises; I had no idea that was one of your talents. Have you played much?"

"Hardly at all, it's so boring, but I know the rules, and that will be enough. You won't believe the odds the arrogant mug's giving me," she gloated. "You know what they say, Jeffrey," she added with a grin, "never give a sucker an even break."

"But did you know that he's the captain of the school chess team, Susie?"

"No, but it won't make any difference - he has to make all his moves in five minutes and I've an hour. What's more, I'm white and I only have to draw. It'll be easy - all I have to do is to shuffle my pieces about until he runs out of time."

"Someone's been extremely naive." Susie misinterpreted my raised eyebrows.

"Brilliant, eh, and here's the best bit - whoever loses has to dress as a bunny girl for the Halloween Dance. What a humiliation - you wouldn't like that, would you, Jeffrey?"

"I don't know, Susie, I may find some vicarious pleasure in it."

"Oh, Jeffrey, you mean ..."

"Exactly what I said, Susie, let's discuss it over a few training games in my bedroom. It won't do any harm to polish up your technique."

"I can hardly wait."

* * * * * * * * * * *

"Checkmate - that's ten to nil."

"Give me a chance, Jeffrey, you're moving too fast - you're not giving my strategy time to work."

"This is what you'll be up against, Susie."

"That beast Slope can't be as good as you, Jeffrey."

"Of course he's not as good as me, but he's way too good for you."

"This is awful, Jeffrey, I'm going to be made a laughingstock. If you'd stuck by my side," she accused, "this would never have happened."

"That's hardly fair, Susie, you've only yourself to blame."

"Chess, what a stupid game! I should have gone for something physical - something requiring endurance and superior female fortitude. Something like ..."

"Ferrets down the trousers," I suggested helpfully.

"No, Jeffrey," a gleam came into Susie's eye, "wrestling!"

Susie sprang forward and knocked me back on the bed. I put up a token resistance, but I was more than pleased to have her straddling my chest. "What next, Susie?"

"I'm not letting you up, until you find a way to get me out of this."

"That's all right by me, Susie, make yourself comfortable."

She adjusted her position. "What are you grinning at, Jeffrey?"

"I can't help myself, Susie; I'm sorry, I know it's childish, but I saw up your skirt."

"Boys! What can you do with them? Well, I know what I'm going to do with this one. That's three steps forward you owe me now, Jeffrey."

I closed my eyes and smiled. "I'm beyond caring."

"Come on, Jeffrey concentrate," she pleaded, "you don't want to see me shown up."

"If it was anybody else but that snot Slope ..."

"I knew you wouldn't let me down," Susie cried out, and bounced up and down in delight.

"Hold on, don't go distracting me; we need to put in some serious work if you're to beat him."

Susie was deflated. "I can't get that good by Wednesday afternoon; I thought you'd found some way to play in my place, Jeffrey."

"He'd never agree to that. I've shown no interest at all in chess, because I don't want to be press ganged into the school team, but he'd be highly suspicious. He knows it'd be a double maths brain versus a geography brain - need I say more."

"You and your mathematical brain, you're a conceited little bugger."

"I know, but it's a private conceit - apart from you and my mother. I hope you don't mind too much; it gives me such a strong sense of what I am."

"I don't mind, Jeffrey, I wouldn't have you any different." Susie eased herself off and sat on the edge of the bed. "Who exactly is Sloppy going to be playing?"

"He'll think he's playing you, but in fact he'll be playing me."

"Whoa, Jeffrey, I only have ordinary makeup, the best I can do is turn you into my sister. We'll have to think of a good excuse for me not turning up."

"You'll be there at the board. Insist you sit with your back up against the wall, so nobody can get behind you. I'll stand right behind Slope and your girlfriends will surround me."

"This doesn't sound as much fun as my idea," Susie moaned.

"It's not, you have to concentrate and do exactly as I say."

"I seem to be doing a lot of following orders, Jeffrey."

"It's your own fault, Susie, you shouldn't be so impulsive. Now pay attention."

* * * * * * * * * * *

I lifted my eyebrows. - "Bishop," Susie responded.

I wrinkled my nose. - "Knight."

I shook my head. - "King."

I nodded my head. - "Rook."

I kissed the air. - "Queen - I like that one, Jeffrey."

"You understand the finger code - first time letter, second time number. Right, let's have a practice against the computer."

"That's enough for tonight, Susie, we'll train again tomorrow."

"It's actually going to work, Jeffrey, I can't believe it. You deserve a reward."

"A diligent scholar, and the master's paid. You've been a model pupil, Susie."

"Thank you, Jeffrey, I hope you learn from my example; I don't want to hear any complaints when I teach you the intricacies of makeup."

I laughed until Susie silenced me with a kiss.

 

Chapter 6

"I had to tell the girls the plan, Jeffrey."

"I understand that, Susie, but you shouldn't have encouraged them to involve any other boys in the bet."

"I didn't, but when I told the them you'd be making my moves, they wanted in on it. Your reputation goes before you, Jeffrey; they know who's the uber-nerd around here."

"I'm not a nerd, Susie," I complained.

"I know that, Jeffrey, but admit it, you behave like one in school."

"If it wasn't Smith the nerd, it'd be something worse," I explained. "Supreme nerdiness carries with it a degree of protection; that's why I don't like this, Susie, it's going to make me enemies. Nobody would be upset at Slope getting his comeuppance, but when the other boys find out that I'm responsible for their downfall ..."

"They're not going to find out."

"Of course they will; a dozen people can't keep a secret."

"Don't worry, Jeffrey, you'll be an honorary member of the sisterhood - we'll look out for you. Come on, there's Linda and Harriet waving us over."

Those two are formidable girls. I know Susie can be unnerving, but she's different - I'd definitely rather be Susie's girlfriend than their boyfriend.

"We like your plan, Jeffrey," Linda greeted me, "but I want to be sure where your true loyalties lie. You could deliver us into the hands of our enemies."

"You've no need to worry," Susie bristled, "Jeffrey would never let me down."

"That's right," I added hotly, "you help us and it's all for one and one for all as far as I'm concerned."

"Don't get upset, Jeffrey," Harriet grinned. "You and Susie, well, it's just so sudden." She waved her hands in the air. "You surprised us, that's all."

"I surprised myself," I smiled.

"You're friends with Robbie, aren't you?" Harriet continued. "Would you do a girl a big favour? See if you can get him to ask me for a date - but be subtle."

"I don't think subtlety is Robbie's strong point; third party matchmaking may confuse him."

"What do you mean confuse him?"

"He means," Linda scoffed, "Robbie will think Jeffrey's asking him for a date. I told you, you're wasting your time mooning over him - he's batting for the other side."

"Take no notice, Harriet - Robbie's as straight as a tiddlywink," Susie assured her. "Jeffrey will be happy to steer Captain Marvel your way; it's just that he's inexperienced in romantic matters. I'll see that he brushes up on his Jane Austen, and then there'll be no holding him back."

Harriet smiled and Linda sniggered. I don't think being one of the girls is going to be a bed of roses. "Come on, Susie, we need to get home and perfect our technique; we don't want any slip-ups tomorrow."

* * * * * * * * * * *

It was Wednesday afternoon, and we were on our way to the showdown. "If Slope plays as I expect, we'll be giving him a piece on the fifth move. There may be a few gasps of dismay, but don't let it put you off, Susie - I know what I'm doing."

"I sure hope so, Jeffrey; that sounds like a high risk strategy."

"The mistakes are all there waiting to be made. And believe me, Slopey will make them - he's not a calculating machine."

We assembled in the library, and Susie bagged a seat under the window. "I'm sitting here; I don't want the sun in my eyes. I know all the classic strategies."

Slope laughed and sat down opposite. I stood behind him and the rest of the girls gathered round. There were a few protests, but individual boys are no match for a bunch of determined girls.

1 e4 e5 2 Nf3 Nc6 3 Nc3 Nf6 4 Nxe5 Nxe5 ...

Slope whipped off the knight with a snort and Susie stuck out her tongue at him in a breach of chess etiquette. Our sessions in my bedroom were paying off and we raced through the next few moves. Things went so smoothly that I began to wonder if Susie really could read my mind.

5 d4 Ng6 6 e5 Ng8 7 Bc4 d6 8 Qf3 Qd7 9 O-O dxe5 10 dxe5 Nxe5 11 Re1 Bd6 12 Bf4 f6 13 Rad1 ...

Slope had a think and played 13 ... Kd8. I had a think and suppressed a smile - I didn't want to confuse Susie. He was busted: this was going to end in mate. I raised my eyebrows and gave five fingers, five fingers.

14 Bxe5 fxe5 15 Bb5 ...

Slope put his head in his hands and had another think. I looked up and saw Robbie staring in through the library window. He gave me a wave.

15 ... c6 16 Ne4 ...

I had to wrinkle my nose in reply and a bout of mutual nose wrinkling followed.

16 ... Kc7 17 Nxd6 Qg4 18 Ne8+ Kb8 ...

I began to worry that we were communicating in some secret gay language. Worse was to come, I had to move my queen. I kissed the air and twice put up three fingers, which I hoped didn't carry any extra meaning.

19 Qc3 Qe6 ...

Robbie kissed back and I had to nod my head and give him two lots of five fingers.

20 Rxe5 Qg4 ...

He nodded back vigorously. We must be at least engaged by now. To make things worse someone behind me was getting excited and waving her arms about. At least Susie was calm. Quite honestly, I don't think she has any idea we're about to pull off a brilliant win.

21 Be2 Qf4 22 Re4 Qxe4 ...

Another kiss for Robbie who's hands have disappeared from sight.

23 Qg3+ Qf4 ...

And another, followed by an extravagant blown kiss to signal mate. I'm so excited to have well and truly crushed Slope that Robbie may think I'm having an orgasm.

24 Qxf4#.

"Checkmate," Susie cried, jumping up and punching the air.

There were cheers from the girls and a menacing, "Wait until I get my hands on that prat, Slope," from one of his disgruntled supporters.

I scrambled over, pulled Susie into my arms and hissed into her ear. "Stick to me like glue - you're not the only one who's been getting my messages. Robbie's so worked up that's he's fit to burst."

Slope pushed me aside and grabbed Susie. "You must have been wired up to play like that - let's see what's under here."

I didn't close my eyes this time. Splat! I hit him full in the nose with the same result. I grabbed Susie and headed for the rest of the girls.

Susie pulled me back. "The cheeky bugger's torn my blouse, let me at him, Jeffrey."

Slope waved his troops forward. "He's busded my dose, gedde liddle shid."

General mayhem ensued. A little help from Robbie wouldn't have come amiss, but he was pinned in a corner by Harriet. It seems more than one person had received misdirected messages. Serves him right - let's see how he likes having an unwanted lover.

"Don't worry, Jeffrey, they'll only get you over my dead body." Susie was being overdramatic, but I still felt a surge of pride. That's my girl!

Luckily for us, the rugger buggers were out to get Slope. I just hope that they keep on blaming him for their misfortune. He was only saved from a scragging by a slam of the door.

"What's going on in here?" It was the deputy head old Bossom.

"Chess hooligans, sir," Susie panted, "they're rioting in defeat."

She took advantage of Slope's toadying to teachers to knee him in the groin. Honour satisfied she stepped back to my side and we hugged. She's quite a girl.

"What happened to your nose Slope?"

"That must have been me sir," Susie volunteered, "he practically ripped my blouse off; I hit out blindly in panic."

"It was an accident," Slope protested, "I just wanted to pull her earpiece out - she was being fed the moves."

Susie tossed back her hair." See, no earpiece, you were outchessed by a superior female brain, and that's all there is to it. You met your match, Bunny Slope."

"I didn't," Slope fumed. "You blundered a piece away and from then on you played like a computer - it's not natural."

"I'd like to see this game," Bossom interrupted, "set the board up."

I hurried to get control of the pieces and replay the game; it'd look funny if Susie couldn't remember her moves.

"There you are, she blunders a knight away like the patzer she is," Slope spluttered.

"It's not a blunder," I exulted, "it's the Halloween gambit, specially chosen for this game - you don't know as much about chess as you think."

Slope gulped and I dashed off the rest of the game. "There you are, sir, everything was above board."

"Yes, Smith, a very nice game; Miss Jones has talent - we must have her on the team."

Susie looked at me in panic. "Oh she can't do that," I improvised, "her parents don't approve of her playing chess. They want her to concentrate on her studies; they're very firm about it."

"Yes, sir," Susie piped up, "we're Seventh Day Adventists. Mind games like chess are strictly taboo. It'd be bread and water for me if they found out about this."

"That's news to me," Bossom frowned, "I've made quite a study of comparative religions - you have to, if you want to get on nowadays," he sighed.

I saw a gleam come into Susie's eye. "We're part of an extremist breakaway sect - it's no fun at all for me."

"I've noticed that you and Smith have become, shall we say, close this week. What do your parents say to that?"

"Oh Jeffrey's converted - we've ..." Susie searched for inspiration, "pledged our troths."

"This doesn't sound like you, Smith. You haven't been brainwashed, have you?"

"I wouldn't know if I had been, would I?"

Bossom sighed and looked around. "Let's all behave like adults, okay. I think it's best we draw a veil over the whole episode. Clear up and get off home; that's where I want to be." He shrugged his shoulders and made for the door.

"Bossom's not a bad old stick is he, Jeffrey?"

"No, Susie - I just hope his sense of humour is fully functional, otherwise your parents will be getting a visit from social services."

"With a name like that, it must be," she giggled. "He's neither one thing or the other, is he?"

"Get a grip on yourself, Susie, and let's make a dignified exit."

"Give me your arm, Jeffrey." Robbie and Harriet had disappeared. Slope was on his back holding his nose. We departed with the girls' congratulations ringing in our ears.

On the walk home, I brought Susie up to date with the Robbie situation. "The way things are going we may have to use the ultimate deterrent, Susie. It'll be embarrassing, but if it gets rid of him for good - what the hell."

"Actually, Jeffrey I've already loosed off a tactical nuclear device, and it doesn't seem to have worked. I had a word with Robbie and mentioned your tendencies."

"What do you mean my tendencies? They're your tendencies. The fact that he doesn't appear to have believed you proves it."

"Oh he believed me, Jeffrey, I showed him the photographic evidence."

"There is no photographic evidence."

"I got it off your computer the first night."

"You couldn't have; there are no such pictures."

"I photoshopped you, Jeffrey."

"You what me."

"Photoshopped you. Everyone does it - I'm surprised you haven't had a go." She dug out a photo from her pack. "Here's one for you, Jeffrey; Denise in all her glory. Can you blame me for wanting her?"

"Oh sugar, Susie!" It was an upper body shot of me wearing make-up, bra and nothing else. "What have you done?"

"Good isn't it. I can get you some breast forms just like that if you want - you'll have to lend me the money, though."

"Never mind that. What did Robbie say when he saw this?"

"He didn't say anything, he didn't have to - actions speak louder than words. He snatched it off me and decamped to the bogs with it."

"You mean ... Oh, Susie, I'm a sex object."

"He's probably been wanking off to you all summer, Jeffrey, so that's no big deal."

"Yes, but at least I didn't know about it."

"In one way, Jeffrey it gives us hope. Perhaps he really likes girls, and you've led him astray."

"I've done no such thing!" I gagged.

"Not intentionally of course," Susie soothed. "Perhaps he was on the cusp and now Harriet's got her claws into him, he'll fall her way. Stranger things have happened."

"They are well suited - she's a hefty girl."

"Yes, Jeffrey, let's hope she doesn't find out that you're her love rival."

"Then she'd better not see this." I put the photo into my pocket.

"You're keeping it, are you?"

"Yes, I don't want it falling into the wrong hands."

"You could tear it up."

"I couldn't destroy your work of art, Susie; I'm not a Philistine."

"Ah, you like it, Jeffrey, admit it."

"It's a nice picture," I hedged. "I'm worried that someone else might get to see it. If you'd made me a big-breasted pin-up girl, it would have been easy to laugh off. But this - nobody's going to believe it's not me."

"The only copy out there is the one's Robbie's got, and he's hardly going to show it around."

"I don't know, Susie, a woman scorned and all that. You'll have to get it back off him."

"If he carries it around with him, you'll have the best chance. Hang around the changing rooms and try and sneak it away."

"You can forget that; I'm not lurking anywhere near that rugby lot - it could be misinterpreted. Thanks to you, Susie, I'm beginning to see myself as others see me."

"Wait till you see yourself as I see you, Jeffrey."

"I can't help but admire your persistence, Susie; it's an endearing trait."

"In that case, how about you come over to my house tonight? I'll initiate you into the secrets of a girl's bedroom."

"I'll see you after homework, but in my bedroom."

* * * * * * * * * * *

"What have you been reading, Jeffrey?"

"That book on survival; the chapter on how a girl can defend her honour. Best to be prepared in case Robbie has a rush of blood."

Susie picked up the book and began to read. "Grab your assailant by the testicles and twist hard. Is that what you're going to do, Jeffrey?"

"Not likely, I don't want there to be any danger of sending a mixed message; I hope raking a comb across his nostrils will suffice. I've a cheap one with really hard teeth," I grimaced. "It even hurts when you comb your hair."

"That should make his eyes water, Jeffrey."

"From now on I shall carry it with me at all times. Get yourself one, Susie - a girl can't be too careful."

Susie moved over to the dresser. "Do you mind if I brush your hair, Jeffrey?"

"Oh, you want to engage in a little social grooming do you?"

"Something like that."

Susie brushed away and a wave of pleasure swept over me. I'm definitely not getting my hair cut. I wonder how I'll look with it in bunches - pretty cute I should think.

"That's nice, Susie. So nice, that I don't want you fixing Slope's hair. In fact I'd rather you didn't have anything further to do with him. I bet he'd jump at the chance to get out of the bet for fifty pounds."

"I'd like to go along with you, Jeffrey, but the other girls want to get their hands on him. That suits me - I don't want to give Sloppy the pleasure of being dressed up by me. Some boys are funny that way; he's probably one of them. What do you think?"

"Nothing would surprise me anymore."

Susie paused in her brushing. "It'll be fun deciding on our outfits - I'll really have your hair in shape by then."

I turned around. "I didn't lose any bet, Susie. As far as Halloween's concerned, I've more than done my duty. I've earned a quiet night in."

"You can't be the odd one out, Jeffrey. Think of the resentment that would cause - especially when the other boys find out you were the cause of their downfall." Susie brushed vigorously. "They're only going to be satisfied if you're the belle of the ball."

"That's six weeks away, I'll probably have had a nervous breakdown by then." I looked around my book filled room. "I think I'll have my library fantasy tonight - it's incredibly calming - I'm cataloguing a vast collection of books."

"That's a strange notion for a teenage boy."

"Stranger than you think, Susie. You see I'm female in it."

"You're Denise."

"She didn't have a name before Sunday, but yes, you're right I am Denise. Oh, Susie," I finally broke down, "I wonder what it all means."

She clasped my hand. "It's all right, Jeffrey, I'm here - we'll work through this together. First, I have to know what you are wearing."

I buried my head in my hands. "I can't, Susie, it's too embarrassing."

"It's all right," she soothed, "you can confess anything to me. Think of me as a priest."

I gulped. "I'm a sexy librarian in a figure hugging sweater, tight skirt, sheer stockings and shiny stilettos."

"There's nothing to be ashamed of, Jeffrey. Tell me," she coaxed, "how do you feel dressed like that?"

"I feel wonderful, Susie, quite wonderful, but it's a struggle getting up the ladders."

"Ladders - what ladders, Jeffrey?"

"Those ladders on wheels that they have in libraries. These are unbelievably high."

Susie raised her eyebrows. "Ah - like a stairway to Heaven."

"That's right," I sobbed, "and once up there I feel free. I can whiz around the shelves - it's almost like flying."

Susie softly stroked my hair. "You're an angel, Jeffrey, a whole new world is opening up for you."

"It's a cosmic experience, Susie," I exalted, "I've slipped the surly bonds of Earth."

"To thine own self be true," she gushed and hugged me to her, "I've swept away all your inhibitions and doubts, haven't I, Jeffrey?"

I looked up and smiled. "You certainly have, Susie - now I know for sure that there's one born every minute."